I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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