Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
