accomplished twins. life is a go
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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