If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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