Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
