I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
