I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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