i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
