im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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