I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
