My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
