life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
