can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
