So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
