In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
