The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Houston, we have a blender
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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