I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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