Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
false alarm, still single
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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