My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
