Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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