Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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