btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
