All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
