I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
