My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
