Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
