question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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