Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
