I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
