I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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