I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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