You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
