He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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