i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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