Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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