I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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