there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
