I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
