I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
