My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
