woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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