we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
