I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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