There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
