I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
