You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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