xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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