1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
