Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
