Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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